So, on the list of things that I have survived in my life, there is a lot of terrible things. Somehow the top of the list will always be staying in an abusive relationship for as long as I did (which was close to a year). I generally pride myself on being a strong person who doesn't let anyone take advantage of her ever. Not after I learned better.
But then he happened. The litany of things that were done to me include (but are not limited to):
Choking me in front of my then 3 year old son.
Forcing sex when I was pregnant and recovering from pregnancy.
Making it so I couldn't sleep for up to three nights in a row when he was upset with something I had supposedly done.
Jealous rages over me having to go to work (to make the only income in the household) that resulted in screaming in my face and physical violence.
I hate talking about this. I do. So I don't. And I'm actually not going to now. I gave a couple examples to illustrate how bad the situation really was in order to lead up to this story:
So, yesterday at work, my coworkers were talking about a girl we work with who the night before had to call the cops on her boyfriend for physically assaulting her. The way the conversation ended up going was this: "Well, she left him before, it's her own fault for going back to him." And a part of me just shrivelled up inside. Because I know this how people probably talked about me for that time I was with my ex.
Here's the thing (and the soapbox for the day): STOP BLAMING VICTIMS. Whether they are victims of sexual assault or domestic violence, they are still not at fault. No matter what. Much like no matter how short a girl's skirt is doesn't mean she should get raped, a woman never deserves to be beaten by a man. EVER.
You may not get it. You may not understand how someone could stay with someone like that. I hope that you never really do understand, because it's the kind of thing that understanding tends to come through living it.
Here's the thing with abusers: the first step of abuse is that they tear down any sense of self worth you may have. You genuinely start to believe that you don't deserve better and that this is the best you will ever do. You start to confuse the anger and abuse with passion. "Well, he must really love me or he wouldn't get so upset." So you start to become one of those women who makes excuses for him. You start to hide the things he does or says on a regular basis. You start to believe that no matter how broken this is, that no one else is going to want you, especially no one normal who would treat you right. And, hey, every relationship is more than a little dysfunctional anyway, right?
So, if you ever find yourself hearing this, be the person who speaks up and says DON'T BLAME THE VICTIM. Something has been broken and what she needs is not blame, but understanding and compassion. Don't ever hesitate to tell her that you care and that you don't think it's alright what's happening. But don't blame her. Because with that current statistics as high as 60% of young women alone being in abusive situations at some point in their life, there's a chance that it could be you someday.
Compassion and empathy, not blame. Seriously, think about it.
(To be edited and updated with resources for how you can help if you know someone in an abusive relationship or if you are in one yourself.)
